I’m going through detox and I’ve learned a few things:
1. Put the chia seeds in last. If you put them into the blender first, your smoothie will have chia gunk in the bottom.
2. Kale goes into the blender first or it won’t blend. It won’t matter how Hulk-angry you get.
3. Don’t leave your son alone with the juicer. He’ll try to juice a banana. Bananas can be blended, but not juiced. Try it and the banana mush gums up your juicer’s filter. It takes a lot of energy to get that filter clean…though there’s no listing for that activity at Fitbit. How many calories is Frustration?
4. At 4:30 pm, just when you’re feeling virtuous, you’ll get a craving for bloody steak you can feel in your eye teeth. You won’t act on this craving, but you’ll understand vampires better as you consider the meaty necks of strangers.
5. When you make a joke about being on a new food regimen, weighing your poop and comparing it with friends, some people will unfollow you on Twitter. (But many more people will follow you. Given a choice between the humour-impaired and poop freaks…welcome, poop freaks!)
6. I’m overstimulated and need to go to bed early. I can feel it. It’s what my body needs. I can feel it like I’m wearing a shawl made of lead.
7. Vegetarian and vegan don’t necessarily equal “healthy.” Must have longer talk about these issues with #1 Son. He wants to try eating vegetarian meals, but loading up on bad carbs, though technically vegetarian, isn’t healthy. However, he loves vegetables and fruits if disguised in a cold smoothie.
8. It takes a lot of fruit to make a glass of juice (though I’m looking forward to making carrot soup from the pulp.) Found a place to get fruit and vegetables cheap. It’s always cheaper to take care of yourself: Cheaper than diabetes, potato chips and a heart attack, for sure.
9. When I eat healthier, #1 Son eats healthier. I should have gotten to this faster.
10. What was #6 again? Oh, yeah. I’m actually going to go to bed at a reasonable time.
~ Robert Chazz Chute is a suspense writer and crime novelist. The weight loss stuff runs earnest to funny. Everything else is about Bad Versus Evil.
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