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If you go to Nova Scotia

Here’s how to blend in:

1. Don’t eat lobster at a restaurant. That’s all butter, no sea lice taste. You get lobster off the boat. You eat the whole lobster, not just the claws and tail. Suck the juice from the legs because you’re a goddamn savage and don’t want anything to go to waste.

Always comment that you ate it all except for the poison sac behind the creature’s brain.

2. Do not wince as you tear into dulce. Don’t call it seaweed if you expect to go undetected. As you chew, always comment that it’s full of iodine.

3. Acceptable banter for any dining occasion: “I’m so hungry, I’d eat the ass out of a skunk.” If in a rural area, you may call the utensils forks and knives, but call them “eatin’ irons” and they’ll never suspect you weren’t born in Caledonia.

4. Don’t say you love fish. Say halibut, trout, or smoked salmon. When someone smokes you a salmon, by law you are required to say, “Tastes like cake!” Do not ask for a Montreal bagel to put under said salmon. It’s not the same thing and you’re in Nova Scotia now.

(Note: It tastes great, but it does not, in fact, taste like cake.)

You will be attending many bean suppers to support your local volunteer fire department. The towns may be small, but they’re decked out with firefighting equipment to rival any major city. The firehall siren will go off each day at noon to (a) test it, and (b) let you know it’s noon.

5. You do not go to the store. You go down to the store or up to the store. Also, locations are not “across the street.” They are always, “right across the street.”

Nova Scotian roads wind, so however long you think any trip will take, it’ll take longer and maybe all day in the winter. In rural areas, you will be required to navigate your route by barns, as in, “Take a left at the old Seliq barn and turn right again before you see the Rawding’s place.”

Yes, getting a direction by a landmark you do *not* see is considered helpful and neighborly. Be careful about asking for directions. You live here. You should already know who everyone is and where everything is, anyway.

6. You go to the woods, not the bush. At a beach party, you will be required to comment that a campfire smells better using driftwood for fuel. If by the Bay of Fundy, you will have to mutter, “highest tides in the world.”

7. Sure is not pronounced “Shur.” It’s pronounced “shore,” with emphasis on the “ore.”

When agreeing with an Acadian, don’t say, “Oui,” as if you’re in Paris. In Acadian French, it’s pronounced more duck-like. “Wheh, wheh, wheh!” Always thrice, and sell it with enthusiasm.

To appear agreeable after any assertion, say, “Yeah,” once or twice, but rising on the in-breath. This takes practice, but you’ll hear it everywhere.

You’re trying it right now, aren’t you?

Note: While always acceptable to appear agreeable, new information is to be treated with suspicion. A good rule is, if you haven’t heard something many times, don’t introduce a new thought. You’ll blow your cover.

8. To throw minor shade: “He’s come from away.” This means, “not a Maritimer for two generations.” You could be born in Toronto and live in the Annapolis Valley for 20 years and you’ll still be “that Tronna fella.”

More shade: Call someone an S.O.B. (*not* son of a bitch). This is never to be said to someone’s face, always behind the back. That would be considered impolite unless they’re family, in which case you can be as cruel as you want and call it “just teasin’.”

Highest compliment, “He did well.” “Did well,” means somebody is an S.O.B., but with money.

9. Speak quickly from the back of your throat. Acceptable topics: The weather and town gossip. Until you die, throw in, “If you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.” (This is the height of hilarity.)

That’s about it for topics, though knowing the names of several varieties of apples not commonly found in stores is good. Talk about grafting and you’ll end up marrying someone from Nova Scotia who wears tall rubber boots every day.

10. To really fit in, memorize “Farewell to Nova Scotia.” Sound wistful. Call it God’s Country a lot and enthuse about foghorns. They’re also suckers for Stan Rogers singing “Barret’s Privateers.”

Okay…*everybody* should be a sucker for this song. It’s great!

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Solutions to the Mess We’re In

AKA Better Safe Than Sorry, Part III

If the mortal threat is not real until the pandemic affects you personally, that’s a failure of empathy and foresight. I don’t know if empathy can be taught. Leading by example is good (wear a mask!) but we must fine selfish assholes who refuse to comply for no other reason than performative belligerence.

Feel no urge to protect the herd? Pow! Here’s a ticket. Still no mask? Pow! Here’s another ticket. How’s your wallet feel now? Still nothing? We’re impounding your car. Ready to participate in society, be a hero and save lives yet? No? I’m taking your phone and you’re grounded. Go to your room.

What else can we do when science is not believed? I have some ideas.

Appeal 1: Patriotism

This is a war. We’ve suffered casualties. For this conflict, rifles and Blackhawk helicopters won’t help. We’re all drafted and on the line, saving lives. Your mask is your armor. Gear up, Citizen Soldier!

Appeal 2: Self-interest

The life you save might be your own. Do you care for somebody? Anybody? You could spare them pain, suffering or death, too.

Appeal 3: Vanity

New Zealanders can do something you can’t? Wimp. 

Appeal 4: Religion

You may not want to wear a mask because if you die, you’ll just get to heaven sooner. Cool, but wouldn’t Jesus want us to look out for each other? Do unto others, etc.? If someone dies before they know Jesus because you found a mask too inconvenient… Well, do selfish assholes go directly to heaven? Or do they have to wait in shame for a while at the back of the line?

Appeal 5: Shunning

You broke the social contract. We are enforcing our mask policy. No, you cannot enter the store. No goods or services for you.

Make the crisis personal. Shun them until they feel enough social pressure to save lives.

Appeal 6: Conspiracy theory

“Don’t wear masks to defeat Bill Gates’ contagion and tracking vaccine. Wear the mask to defeat facial recognition technology.” And/or: “The globalists don’t really want you to wear a face covering. It’s a fake out. They created and released the virus to kill you so they can steal your vote. Besides, masks destroy the effects of 5G. It’s been documented.”

Note: A conspiracy theory doesn’t have to make sense. You don’t have to science it up. Just tap into the sap’s need to feel targeted and victimized. “They’re out to get you so you have to do X, Y, Z,” is a reliable formula.”

Appeal 7: Economics

I get that you want to get back to normal and get the economy going again. Me, too!

Mass death and the looming threat thereof seems bad for the economy, though, right? It’s not enough to declare it’s safe for everybody to go back to work. It has to actually be and feel safe. Put a ref on the field and get the rabid tigers back in their cages or we aren’t playing.

Appeal 8: Civility

We wear masks here because we care for each other. Pretty please?

Appeal 9: Sexiness

Damn! You’re lookin’ like a snack in that mask! Those eyes! And looking so mysterious and alluring! When the pandemic is over and the borders open, I want to make sweet love to you in Paris.

Or:

I pledge to never bless anyone with my fine naked self if they refused to be a decent person during a global pandemic. I’ve got too much self-respect to even deal with anyone so careless.

No glove, no love. No mask? Don’t even ask.

Appeal 10: Fear

As the Facebook meme goes, if you don’t like wearing a mask, you’re really going to hate the ventilator. Drowning on land is a horrible way to die. And even if you survive, COVID-19 is a nasty, cold-hearted bitch. The painful effects can last a long time, maybe for the rest of your miserable life.

And if I survive, I’ll be your Meals on Wheels angel every day. I’ll bring you soup at noon and with every goddamn sip and dribbling slurp I spoon feed you, I’ll utter those same dreadful words, “I told you so.” Scared yet?

Last-ditch attempt:

It’s okay to be ignorant. Just don’t stay wrong. 

If you refuse to believe in science and continue to look for ways to deny the obvious, that’s a human failing. You don’t want to be told what to do. You don’t want to be wrong. Nobody likes to admit they were wrong about anything.

Me included!

In 2010, when I wrote This Plague of Days, I believed that the protective barrier masks provide would be made useless after 20 minutes of respiration. That was generally believed right up to early this year! The science changed because more research was done. Findings change as the science improves.

Wearing masks dramatically decreases transmission of coronavirus. We have to improve alongside the science. The willfully ignorant use motivated reasoning to condemn Dr. Fauci and the CDC on this point. Yes, he was wrong about something in the past. That doesn’t mean he’s wrong now.


Rather than changing and admitting a past mistake, some double down on being wrong in the present. That’s a formula for more grieving and loss.

The way things are going, particularly in the US and Brazil now, we will all know someone who has died of COVID-19. We’ve already had too much unnecessary death and pain. Let’s stop making more. Please, wear a mask.

The most tragic last words I’ve heard were reported this week.

A young woman about to be put on a ventilator gasped her last with, “I think I made a mistake. I thought it was a hoax.”

She had not acted on better safe than sorry. Then she was sorry too late. 

~ This concludes the Better Safe Than Sorry series of three posts I had to get off my chest. If you missed the first two, here are the links:

Better Safe Than Sorry Part I

Better Safe Than Sorry Part II

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Better Safe Than Sorry Part II

People are often lousy at assessing risks

Have you noticed how many people get visibly angry and defensive when they’re asked to wear a mask? In most cases, false excuses or conspiracy theories are dragged out. I’ve tried to make sense of the conspiracy theories. If it were a hoax, damn, it’s a good one. All those crisis actors buried in coffins worldwide have really committed to the bit! 

There’s no sense to be made of it. If it’s all “a liberal plot to bring down the economy,” how’s that work? Nobody has their own economy that’s exempt from the effects of the crisis. We all want to go back to the movies and eat overpriced popcorn, dude. I’ve already given that nonsense too much space here, so…

Numbers versus Celebrity Death 

In the past few days, three well-loved celebrities have died. An actress succumbed to breast cancer. A young actress who performed on Glee drowned. A former co-host of Mythbusters passed away unexpectedly. You’ve seen the news stories. You can probably name at least one of these high-profile people. We say any death is a loss, and it is. My purpose is not to cast aspersions on grieving fans, friends, or the families of dead performers.

The point is that humans are lousy at conceiving of large numbers like 138,000 dead in the United States (and climbing). 

But each of those who’ve fallen to COVID-19 have names. They loved their children, fought with their parents, adored sandwiches, and watched baseball. They had dreams. They will be missed by their loved ones. They’re all real, but to too many people, “I don’t know them so it doesn’t count.”

2,977 people died on 9/11 and people lost their minds. Dennis Miller’s sense and sense of humor vanished. Wars began. Many more innocents lost their lives as a result of that one day. We saw the tragedy on our TV screens on repeat. We saw the reactions of the witnesses on the ground. We heard the last phone calls from hostages on the planes about to crash. That made the attack real and the horror of it touched everyone.

Up the numbers some more. Medical personnel see the horror, but due to strict regulations about privacy, you aren’t seeing what it’s like to go on a ventilator day after day. Amp up the human suffering behind closed door and…numbness.

We’re numb. It’s understandable. Big numbers are hard. We can’t picture infinity, either. 

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Better Safe Than Sorry Part I

You’re in the audience of a supper club waiting for the main act to take the stage. A young man approaches the microphone to warn you a fire has broken out in the building. What do you do?

If you answered that you would head for the fire exits, maybe not.

Remember “Better safe than sorry”?

It seems that aphorism has lost its power. When the scenario above played out in real life, 167 people died. Why? Because when a relatively uncomplicated life and death decision popped up, many in the audience did not trust authority. Instead, they looked to each other.

The phenomenon and the scientific basis for it is detailed in an excellent podcast I’m sure you’ll enjoy. It’s called “Cautionary Tales.” Here’s the link to the relevant episode:

CAUTIONARY TALES – FIRE AT THE BEVERLY HILLS SUPPER CLUB

Look around, look around

I had to go to the grocery store last night. The supper club disaster was much on my mind. A good number of people wore masks, but quite a few did not. We look to each other for affirmation. When people are better safe than sorry, they wear masks. The more people wear masks, even more people will wear masks.

“Nobody else is wearing a mask so I’m not going to,” really means, “If I see other people being careless about other people’s lives, I can, too.”

Nobody likes being told what to do. I knew an old guy who cut the seatbelts out of every car he owned. One of my kids went through a phase where he would run off, sometimes into the street. We put a harness and leash on him until the feeling passed. He got over the impulse before he started to shave. He didn’t like the harness at first. It soon became normal. That’s how he survived.

Suggestion: Make masks cool and free and supply them everywhere.

I want a black mask. They look badass.

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COVID-19 is a zombie pandemic

GO GET ‘EM

Don’t believe COVID-19 is a zombie pandemic?
Please consider the tropes of the zombie genre:

  • Zombies represent a force of nature, indifferent to your pain, suffering, and death.
  • As the contagion spreads, many people are in denial at first. “This can’t be real. It’s a hoax!”
  • Scientists who warned of the looming disaster are not believed.
  • Then, “It’s a plot!”
  • “It’s not my problem until the infection comes for me.”
  • Normal life as we know it is over, yet some try to pretend otherwise.
  • Two tribes: “Working together, we can save more people,” versus “I take care of me and mine.”
  • Traveling large distances is suddenly a huge challenge.
  • Healthcare systems become overwhelmed and economies collapse.
  • Though the virus can infect everyone and anyone, the privileged try to cling to their privilege.
  • Riots. When the rich do it, it’s called scavenging for survival. When the poor do it, it’s called looting.
  • People with power and/or authority abuse others.
  • People who were previously undervalued are suddenly prized for their survival skills.
  • People without useful expertise experience a sudden plummet in their self-esteem and question their role and identity in these new, dire circumstances.
  • Many hoard and hide, determined to wait it out “until this thing blows over.” (But it doesn’t blow over unless you’re watching Shawn of the Dead.)
  • Some turn to religion, others to drugs. Coping styles vary widely. Some don’t cope at all and hurt themselves and others.
  • Weapons, weapons everywhere.
  • Bored and frustrated, some act out in very unhelpful ways.
  • Governments respond too little, too late, or not at all while reassuring their frightened citizenry that everything’s going to be okay.
  • The dead we know personally are mourned. We become numb to the huge statistics of the butcher’s bill.
  • People try to hold on to normalcy, focus on minutiae, and cry in private.
  • Some infected deny they’re infected, endangering the rest of their group.
  • With no end in sight, depression and anxiety are heightened while we put on a brave face for the benefit of children.
  • Some vocal and angry slice of the populace is pissed off at Nature but instead aim their rage at the brilliant virologist who is trying to save them.
  • Conspiracy theories, conjecture, and rumors replace the news media.
  • Some take change as a chance at a reset, aspiring to change the world for the better.
  • Others, looking backward through a rose-colored lens, reject the fresh start, wanting nothing more than to get back to their routines as they were.
  • People value their units more, whether that unit is family, friends, or loyal connections.
  • Some regret what they didn’t do with their lives. Others find new meaning in rising to meet the challenges of their new circumstances.

Years ago, someone on a Facebook webinar dismissed me as “just one of those zombie writers.”

Three things about that bit of dickishness:

First, neener-neener-poo-poo. I’m not “just” anything, balloon head. Read a little more and a little deeper and toss your assumptions in the trash. This Plague of Days is the slow burn that strikes at the heart of our highest hopes and our greatest failings when confronting a pandemic. AFTER Life is packed with fast-paced action and still digs deep into the choices we make and what it means to be human. There’s more going on here than meets the eye, dumbass.

Second, z-lit can serve as a rich metaphor for Nature, uncaring and brutal as it can be. Infection and contagion are unrelenting existential threats, and they are always with us. Life and its mortal limits are the constant subtexts of the human condition. World pandemics elevate those threats so they are no longer subtextual. Unless you’re reading this post from New Zealand, you’re soaking in a zombie apocalypse scenario right now. (See above.)

Third, zombie novels are not about zombies. It’s the human response to existential threats that makes the drama. How we respond to stress, whether we help or hurt, die with grace or go out in pain and regret…these are all human stories in which thoughtlessness kills, cowards are exposed, and heroes rise.

So, what’s it going to be today?

Will you bravely and carefully venture out into the Badlands to beyond your walls in search of food? Will you shelter in place and act in the spirit of kindness to comfort others to ease our collective burdens? Or are you going to be a selfish superspreader who goes out without a mask to spread disease and add to the suffering, death, and mayhem?

Hint: In fiction and in real life, things often do not end well for the cowards and malicious disease spreaders. Choose wisely and wear a damn mask. After all, if you’re an unthinking, unfeeling creature who lacks empathy and forethought, you’re already a zombie.

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You are not a cog

I used to do this thing when I was a kid. Pillows go down first. Those were the hills. Then a blanket went on top. That was the battlefield. After that, I set my little green plastic soldiers, tanks, and cannons in place. WWII went on for years in my basement. The fun was in setting the pieces up for the bombing raid.

Boom! Boom! Boom! Fun!

Then I’d reset until Gilligan’s Island came on the TV (the snowy channel from Bangor. Maine).

One day, my father burst into the room looking irritated, frantic even. “You’re playin’ all the time! Every time I see you, you’re playin’!“

And I was like, “Dad, I’m nine.”

The mindset became ingrained, though. Protestant Work Ethic, we called it, as if work wasn’t hard enough we had to bring religion into it. As if people of other faiths weren’t all busting their asses, too.

The core concept was this: If you aren’t doing something to make money, you’re valueless.

Given a single quiet moment, my father would announce it was time to mow the lawn or clean out the garage. When you’re ordered to clean out the garage every five weeks, you really want to torch the place.

Mom was no different. I don’t recall her sitting down until she was confined to a wheelchair. She hated it if anyone dared to have a nap. Her favorite line was, “The day’s a-wastin’!”

We are blind to the things we take for granted. The sky is blue, grass is green, and we’re put on Earth to rise and grind, life’s a bitch and then you die.

We don’t know what we don’t know.

The Epidemic of Busyness

A friend of mine organized a TEDx Talk in Chicago. I watched it this morning. The first speaker observed that we are suffering several epidemics: COVID-19, of course, but racism and economic challenges, too. She spoke eloquently about busyness and her speech really got me thinking how much I’ve messed up the first half of the year. I’ve indulged in bad thinking that does not serve me, but I’m working on it.

When we went into quarantine, many of us didn’t know how to handle it. We were unprepared for the pattern break. Lifting our noses from the grindstone, many of us thought, what do I do with myself? If I’m not working and producing every hour, this must be sin. And was it necessary to commute to work to put my nose to that grindstone? It hurts.

Have you seen this meme?

We have to stop talking as if we’re “working from home” when we’re actually living where we work.

My wife, the thoughtful psychologist, prefers this: We’re not working from home. We’re living at home and trying to get work done.

It is quite a privilege to work from home, of course. While the rest of us complained about confinement and got deeply into making sourdough bread starters, nurses, doctors, delivery people, and grocery store workers didn’t get to have that “time off.” There’s understandable guilt in allowing essential workers to take the biggest hit, especially when they don’t receive hazard pay and adequate protection. (That issue is a whole other blog post.)

There’s also the guilt of feeling we should be doing more with our time. I’d like to absolve you of that last bit. I’m still trying to break those chains myself.

You have value even when you aren’t working

“Playing video games is not wasted time.”

The first time I heard that sentence, it was a genuine challenge for me. After all, the day’s a-wastin’! But you know what? Those video games were fun. Lots of dopamine hits. Relaxation. Relaxation is healthy. Going for a walk without a particular purpose in mind is healthy.

We often fail to value relaxation because Capitalism doesn’t value downtime. “Downtime” as in, “The production line is down! Quick, pull that injured worker off the line, toss in another sacrifice, and crank ‘er up again! We’re losing money!”

If you don’t think about it too hard, it’s easy to call poor people lazy. When you do think about it for more than a second, you realize that the poorest among us tend to be among the hardest workers. How many jobs, gigs, and side hustles does it take the average person to cobble together a decent living? How much downtime do they get from their non-living wages? How much of living do they get to enjoy?

Answer: You won’t find poor people on the golf course unless they’re mowing it.

Hardcore proponents of everlasting economic growth aren’t comfortable with you having any fun unless they’re selling it to you. “Don’t just stay home! Get out there and feed the economy!” Idleness, in any form, is suspect.

When we fall for this trap, we fail to value ourselves.

Dad’s become a little wiser in his later years. Now, when I feel like I’m not writing enough or selling enough books, he says, “Even birds don’t fly all the time.”

I’m not lazy, but I still berate myself for not getting more done. I’m trying to break that habit. I don’t have the toy soldiers, anymore, but sometimes, when my son is out, I get on his computer and play Sniper Elite 4.

Boom! Boom! Boom! Fun!

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Wait for the turn this takes

This morning I was up early, brewed some coffee, and sat on my front step. Listening to news of the latest mayhem, I started spiraling down into despair. I titled one of my apocalyptic books All Empires Fall because, well, they do.

The death of Elijah McClain broke me. This was George Floyd all over again. Mr. McClain was a slight, 23-year-old massage therapist choked out twice by three police officers and administered a sedative by a paramedic after he was subdued. It was murder, no doubt. If you have any doubt, search up Mr. McClain’s last words. This was a gentle spirit and agents of the State murdered him.* Colorado officials have no plans to take any responsibility. The DA on the case refused to prosecute, in part because the victim “was not injured.” You know…except for the part about him being dead.

*Note: Don’t ‘No angel’ victims of police brutality. Even if he wasn’t a gentle soul, the authorities should still bear responsibility for such callous mistreatment and the unnecessary death of anyone in their custody.

Then I spiraled down further

The more I listened to stories of violent, selfish, and greedy people who don’t believe in science, people who don’t know what empathy is… Let’s just say my empathy drained away, too. I know a minority is ruining everything, but that is a powerful minority and they’re in charge. A racist is president and a lot of people voted for him. A lot of people will still vote for him! The insane are running the asylum.

Hearing all this grim news I thought, it’s not just that America has become a failed state. It is that we are a failed species. Things are so far off the rails, I don’t know when that train will run again. The poor are not protected. They’re vilified and criminalized. The helpless remain helpless. God damn it, people can be mean.

I flirted with a grim conclusion: There’s a lot of evil and stupid out there. Maybe, as a species, we don’t deserve success. We could have created a utopia, but we fucked it up. Maybe New Zealand or Iceland has a shot at getting things right but sometimes it feels like we’re too far gone. Maybe Vonnegut was right. The species is suicidal.

Then I turned to Facebook

I came across a post that swung back the pendulum. It was a series of pictures with brief captions telling of random acts of kindness:

A guy on a subway playing on his phone shared a game with a kid.

A woman in a wheelchair couldn’t get down to the shore to place a rose in the water where her husband’s ashes had been scattered. Someone took care of it for her.

Dropping off a passenger at an amusement park, a cabbie mentioned he had never had the experience. His passenger invited the cabbie to join him for the day and paid for his entry.

A teacher visited his ill student every day in hospital to make sure he kept up with his homework.

Story after story, I saw short, simple tales about everyday people being kind to each other. And I wept again. Big, ugly cry, too. It was a great relief to be pulled from the brink, back from the cold chasm of despair to the thin ledge of hope.

I don’t believe God’s coming to save us. We’re going to save ourselves or depend on a rescue mission from benevolent aliens. Or maybe, you, reading this, have a part to play in being kind and acting to find solutions. What if it’s you?

Whoever can turn things around, I want to send up the same signal flare.

Know this:

We are worth saving.

We are. I know it doesn’t feel that way sometimes, but we are worth saving.

Please…begin.