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Protect your home from thieves, ninjas and quirky assassins

I’m working on the next book in the Hit Man Series, Hollywood Jesus. Here’s a little excerpt from the first chapter. Read between the lines, and you’ll find some tips on protecting your home from burglars…or quirky assassins with mommy issues.

On TV, the hero slips a credit card into the edge of a door to pick a lock. That destroys the credit card — who needs that hassle unless it isn’t your credit card? —  and isn’t nearly as easy as it looks except with cheap motel doors. The next option is to pull out a lock pick set and get to work, hoping a nosy neighbor doesn’t spot you while you struggle to overcome the lock. It’s not just picky work. It’s nit-picky and plenty of locks are different so you have to take the time to learn the lock. More hassle. If Dexter episodes went down in real time, it would be a much longer and more boring show.

You’ve used the hockey stick and bicycle chain trick to rip off doorknobs, but since you’d look suspicious walking around with that sort of bulge in your sports jacket, you’ve left that tool at home. That’s your only complaint about West Coast weather: The sun always shines in Hollywood, so no stylish trench coat for you.

If you were a brainless thug, the quickest way into Fitzwald’s house is simply to kick in the door, making sure your heel connects full force by the lock. That’s almost always effective. Even paranoid homeowners may spend $1,000 on a security door, but they spend the least they can on the installer so the frame is $25 worth of wood and the screws that hold it in place are usually way too short. One or two kicks gets you in quicker than fumbling with a key. That makes plenty of noise, though, and that choice could end badly with you tying up the nosy old man from next-door with electrical cord. One heart attack that’s another murder charge against you. Who needs it?

The key to a happy life is less stress, so you do the brainy thug thing: You look. The key isn’t under the mat or on top of the doorframe. It’s under the second flower pot you check. The homeowner would have had half a chance of keeping you out if he’d thought to at least stick the spare key in the pot’s dirt. That would have stymied you easily, but since no one wants dirty fingernails, you’re standing in Fitzwald’s house, easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. 

As you step into the living room, a motion detector shines red and a shrill alarm goes off, jangling your nerves. However, alarms are even easier to deal with than people who leave their house keys in predictable places…

~ Robert Chazz Chute is a crime novelist and suspense writer who podcasts weekly, but never weakly (see below for the latest podcast.) To begin The Hit Man Series, Bigger Than Jesus is for sale at the low introductory price of just .99 cents because the first taste is cheap. Once you’re hooked as a thriller fan, the second in the series is Higher Than Jesus. Enjoy. 

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The Moving Forward Edition

On today’s podcast, Alex Jones stars as Yosemite Sam, special shout outs abound and we get Higher Than Jesus, Chapter 1. Strap in.

To hear the hilarious 40 Year Old Boy Podcast I referred to in this podcast, go to MikeSchmidtcomedy.com. On the January 10 show, Mike talks about my books, Higher Than Jesus and me sending him bad chicken through the mail. 

Clips today from Bugs Bunny, Dylan Rattigan of MSNBC and Cenk Uygur of The Young Turks. This podcast is sponsored by the most skilled graphic artist of his generation, Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com. Music for this podcast (including All This, Mistake the Getaway and Pop Goes the Weasel) supplied by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com. 

Need more drama at a safe distance and some sexy cool suspense in your life? Check out all the links for books by Robert Chazz Chute.

Thanks for listening and reading! If you like it, please review it on iTunes or Amazon. Cheers!

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The No Excuses Edition

Expect weight loss & badass declarations of intent. Join me because I’m revolting. Go to AllThatChazz.com for the health links referenced in the podcast.

Our ever-lovin’ sponsor is Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com. Need a book cover or a web banner or a piano moved? Go to his website. (Did I just type piano? I meant “soul”.)

If you purchase something on Amazon through the Amazon links to the right, I get a little kickback the costs you nothing. Just sayin’, dude. You can get my books or Eat to Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman, for instance. I also mention the Fitbit from Fitbit.com (an awesome device to help you with your weight loss goals) and Fat Sick and Nearly Dead. Great movie with lots to consider. I also recommend the podcast, The Fat-burning Man and Logical Weight Loss, a podcast by my buddy Dave Jackson and The Bulletproof Executive.

Music on this podcast was:
Run by Double-Helix from sample swap.org, and
Mechanolith, Mistake the Getaway and Pop Goes the Weasel by Kevin MacLeod of incompetech.com

Clips today included Rocky’s speech from Rocky V, Yoda (x2) and Dennis Hopper from Speed.

If you like the podcast, please support the show with your purchases of my badass books about Bad versus Evil, leave a happy review on iTunes or Amazon or hit the tip jar to help out with bandwidth. Cheers, mate! All donations, happiness and voicemails sent my way make you a better person (and me at least 34% less wretched.)

Thanks for listening!

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Part II: Losing to win

See Part I: The best life advice I ever heard at ChazzWrites.com.

I’ve spoken to several friends lately who have hit roadblocks in their businesses and in their lives. Like you, I’m one of those people working on achieving dreams. I’m not where I need to be yet. However, the solutions to breaking through those roadblocks to success are waiting for us to see them and act, whether it’s turning a hobby into a career or taking charge of aspects of our lives we’ve let slide.

We can climb out of this ditch we’re in and get back on the right road. Here’s my real life example of how I’m doing it, because I’m a loser, baby!

1. Despite excellent reviews, my book sales are in the septic tank. The problem of book sales permeates the industry at the moment, but I can’t control the industry. I can only control how I respond to the market. I only work on what I can control. Everything else is pointless worry. (Plots and plans for world domination await below.)

2. Financially, things are not peachy. (Even less peachy than I thought, in fact.) My tin cup has no coin rattle when I shake it. Business-wise, I need to expand my sphere of influence. Every few minutes, someone retweets a post from ChazzWrites.com, so you’d think I’d be better off than I am. However, I have to make more people aware that Ex Parte Press is a party they want to join. That means more podcast listeners, more hits on my author site. Hey, I’m a player!

3. Physically, I have wrist pain and I have a lot of weight to lose. (More tonnage  than I thought.) I can rehab the wrist pain and take preventive measures. I have a lot of experience fixing injuries. I’ve also done extensive research on weight loss and I have a plan I am executing.

4. Mentally? I’m detoxing (as addicts of all stripes must). I feel lighter. I have clarity and I now know exactly how bad things are. You have to have that assessment before things can get better. Soon, they will.

5. Spiritually, I’m okay because God helps them what helps themselves and I have a plan. I am, despite everything, optimistic. I’ve been a skeptic and I’ve been a cynic. The old me would argue for failure and win. That’s what a loser does.

So let’s get to the plan:

A. I’m taking better care of myself physically. How can anyone hope to grow their business if they can’t grow as people? I’m stepping outside my comfort zone. That’s where the movement  up is waiting.

B. I’m writing more books and have committed to 10,000 words a week. I’ll let you know when I make that word count and when I don’t. With the camera on and our grand intentions declared publicly, we work harder on follow-through.

C. Aside from continuing to podcast, I’m doing more with my author site and blogging about weight loss and my journey back to sexy. Readership over at AllThatChazz.com is already growing since there might be a few people who share my concerns about health and happiness. Maybe. (You caught the sarcasm, right?)

D. Strangers worldwide find The Magic That is Me through the All That Chazz podcast. It’s beginning to morph into something else, with more attitude and, I think, a wider appeal.

E. Measurement. As I’ve often pushed here, that which is not measured cannot be improved, whether it’s tonnage or book sales or hits or new listeners. But measurement is only powerful if paired with:

F. Accountability. I’m really putting myself out there by declaring my intentions for 2013. I’m accountable to readers and listeners as I lose the weight, make the weekly word counts and put out the books. I’ve done several weight loss programs and they all work for a while. No matter the approach, the single common component is that you report to someone, once a week or more, to gauge progress or lack thereof. It’s a strong corrective mechanism to learn from your mistakes. It’s a powerful preventative strategy when you see something  sugary in the grocery store but think, I have to account for that.

I’m accountable to you.

And, as of Jan 6, I’m reporting to you that I weigh 265 pounds and I’m 5’8.5″. 

I won’t get taller, so I have 100 pounds to lose.

It’s okay. This is the part of the movie where the guy is a broke loser. I’m writing my story and this story arc is going to be very impressive.

Just watch me.

~ Robert Chazz Chute is a suspense writer and author of crime novels. A dude in university once told Chazz he suffered “DOGS”— delusions of grandeur. F&*$! that dude! Listen to the latest All That Chazz podcast here. Check out Chazz’s books here.

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What will you eat to lose weight in 2013?

Is this turning into a weight loss blog? No, not exactly, but it’s all me, me, me. In that sense, it’s like all author sites. I’m opening up more so you can always expect podcasts and fiction here, along with links to my books. And yes, we’re tracking my climb back to sexy.

Here’s a bit of the overview from The Bulletproof Executive. Click the image for more.

I’m drinking my version of the coffee (can’t afford the real thing) and juicing fruits and vegetables (a la Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.) Feeling more energy and all’s well. What are you doing to be healthier in 2013?

 

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Whatever your challenge, there’s a way

Maybe you need to keep your office clean and organized or quit gambling or derail that addiction to bad relationships, sugar coco bombs or playing with your belly button lint. Whatever it is, you can get out of that ditch. You’ll see lots of information about how your new year’s resolutions will fail. Be the exception. You know how I know we can do this? Because other people already have. What one can do, another can do. No more excuses. We all have 24 hours in a day. Use them better.

I just found out I weighed more than I thought I did.

Oh. Shit.

Okay. Breathe and…let’s go.