We keep the deepest secrets from ourselves. Maybe we should.

braingasm coverWe do what we do and dream of what we want to do, but we will never know why. What motivates us to choose this over that? These are secrets we keep from ourselves. Hidden among many skeins of branches amid forests of neurons, the answers are locked away. Why did you choose this man or that woman, that ambition and this life? Did you really choose at all, or did invisible forces choose for you?

The answers to these questions is a mystery and sometimes (often?) a misery.

On dark nights we peer at the stars and wonder about what life on which planets might be born and living and dying beyond the reach of our senses, long ago and far away.

But we are just as much a mystery to ourselves. Our minds hold secrets and hide memories the brain will never yield. The gears of the subconscious spin and work, autonomous (up to something?) pushing and pulling us, this way and that. We say things we don’t mean and we don’t know why. We drive, zombies on automatic, and awake at our destination hoping the last three traffic lights were green as we sailed through, oblivious and unharmed.

We are not awake.

We do not see all there is.

Even as I write this? My heart rate, the secrets of my blood and what makes me write at all? All unknown to me.

I am still asleep, dreaming of waking. It’s hopeless.

We are never truly awake. I don’t even know which world is better. In moments when I swim closer to the lens that lets in light, I see things. More is revealed to me. I understand more. I am more interested in the world then, but less happy.

This is a dream. When that reality becomes too harsh, I escape to my bed, into a deeper dream within the dream. Each morning fool myself into thinking I am awake.

Maybe death could be merciful like that.

We die, but in the fog at the end, we do not notice our passing. We continue, dreaming that we are living. I don’t believe that, but I love the symmetry and grace of it. We could die and it wouldn’t matter because, no matter how absurd, dreams make sense and we continue dreaming, warm and insulated from the worst the world can offer.

Don’t let me die. Let me keep on dreaming I am alive. Just like tonight.

That wouldn’t be so bad.

~ Robert Chazz Chute is waiting for blood test results and thinking about mortality. 

This will get uncomfortable. You might as well laugh.
This will get uncomfortable. You might as well laugh.

PODCAST: The Forays in Self-consciousness Edition

A starving of artists and a choking of friendships: things are going to get weird. This week I also worry about trying not to bother Joe Rogan too much while still campaigning to get comedian Mike Schmidt (from the 40 Year Old Boy podcast) on The Joe Rogan Experience podcast. I also update you on the #IndiesUniteforJoshua campaign. To donate, please go here and get perks for your generosity!

Check out my page at Quotations Diary! It’s fun. No, really it is! Much more fun than this monotone, deep and despairing podcast in which I talk to myself for 40 minutes or so. I should really write more and talk less. God, I hate myself. Also? Kind of self-conscious. But listen to the podcast and I’ll explain.

I also have my new author page at Amazon’s Author Central in which I reveal the truth of my army of ninja assassins.

Your free weekly Self-help for Stoners podcast is available on iTunes, or you can download the Stitcher app for free and stream it to your device so you don’t have to hook up to your computer like an impoverished computer person from the 1990s. Cables are so last decade! Enter the promo code SELFHELPSTONERS here and bam! You’ll be entered into a draw to win a $100 cash card for the pleasure of joining Stitcher Radio.

To check out my books, you could go to Smashwords or Amazon or pretty much any digital book platform if you search for “Robert Chazz Chute.” That was easy. Want the printed, dead tree version of Self-help for Stoners featuring actual ink? Buy the paperback here.

Thanks for listening to my comedy/narrative podcast full of stuff and nonsense!