We keep the deepest secrets from ourselves. Maybe we should.

braingasm coverWe do what we do and dream of what we want to do, but we will never know why. What motivates us to choose this over that? These are secrets we keep from ourselves. Hidden among many skeins of branches amid forests of neurons, the answers are locked away. Why did you choose this man or that woman, that ambition and this life? Did you really choose at all, or did invisible forces choose for you?

The answers to these questions is a mystery and sometimes (often?) a misery.

On dark nights we peer at the stars and wonder about what life on which planets might be born and living and dying beyond the reach of our senses, long ago and far away.

But we are just as much a mystery to ourselves. Our minds hold secrets and hide memories the brain will never yield. The gears of the subconscious spin and work, autonomous (up to something?) pushing and pulling us, this way and that. We say things we don’t mean and we don’t know why. We drive, zombies on automatic, and awake at our destination hoping the last three traffic lights were green as we sailed through, oblivious and unharmed.

We are not awake.

We do not see all there is.

Even as I write this? My heart rate, the secrets of my blood and what makes me write at all? All unknown to me.

I am still asleep, dreaming of waking. It’s hopeless.

We are never truly awake. I don’t even know which world is better. In moments when I swim closer to the lens that lets in light, I see things. More is revealed to me. I understand more. I am more interested in the world then, but less happy.

This is a dream. When that reality becomes too harsh, I escape to my bed, into a deeper dream within the dream. Each morning fool myself into thinking I am awake.

Maybe death could be merciful like that.

We die, but in the fog at the end, we do not notice our passing. We continue, dreaming that we are living. I don’t believe that, but I love the symmetry and grace of it. We could die and it wouldn’t matter because, no matter how absurd, dreams make sense and we continue dreaming, warm and insulated from the worst the world can offer.

Don’t let me die. Let me keep on dreaming I am alive. Just like tonight.

That wouldn’t be so bad.

~ Robert Chazz Chute is waiting for blood test results and thinking about mortality. 

This will get uncomfortable. You might as well laugh.
This will get uncomfortable. You might as well laugh.

Three Dreams

Be a genius for two minutes a day, deal with life and death, face the existential abyss and hear a fresh reading of the chapter “Our Man in Havana” from the fun crime novel, Higher Than Jesus by Robert Chazz Chute.

At 4:57 Dreams bleed into real life in a terrifying way and I’m scared.

11:20 Dreaming to aspire to inspire and trying to find something happy in the darkness.

20:45 Getting back in the groove and getting groovy.

21:21 The Our Man in Havana reading from Higher Than Jesus by Robert Chazz Chute

At 39:00 Check out www.ThisPlagueOfDays.com for a great article on emergency preparedness and BOBs (Bug Out Bags) by author Jordanna East. Then it’s Plugapalooza for www.DecisionToChange.com and www.CoolPeoplePodcast.com. 

Update

I used the Cool People Podcast graphic for this episode of All that Chazz! Darn! Oh, well. I’ll leave it as cross-promotion for www.CoolPeoplePodcast.com. Problem solved! Also, this is episode 76 of the podcast, not #75. This headache has taken over my brain. 

Be my hero

Chazz ComicPlease help me out with the podcast costs and keep it going by donating to the podcast using the pretty and equally secure little yellow buttons at AllThatChazz.com or CoolPeoplePodcast.com. If you can’t do that, please leave a happy review on iTunes. Thanks! 

Podcast art by the great Kit Foster of www.KitFosterDesign.com. Music was The Mechanolith by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com. 

Jerks, Near-Death, Time Travel and Alternate Reality

This episode gets weird. From getting blessed by an angel to starting over, this is a monologue of strange experiences. I’m defeated by sunflower seeds, but I think I can figure out something about the universe in this journey from kissing a character from one of my books to finding peace for somebody who doesn’t deserve forgiveness. (I let him live! Isn’t that enough?)

There’s also The Big Decision: Get thin and healthy.
Formula: (Fat + protein) – (processed food, white food, non-food, bad carbs or sugar) + exercise.
How did I arrive at that decision? Sunlight and deciding I’m a thin person (all evidence to the contrary) and acting that way.

I’m continuing with the first author reading on Vine this week. It’s a funny short story from my book Self-help for Stoners. It’s about how to get away with murder and massive marijuana possession in Texas with a skunk and a smile.

Apologies: I won’t be reading the next instalment of Higher Than Jesus until the next episode of All That Chazz. (I’m not holding the book  hostage, but this episode went long and bandwidth fees are an issue. Um…I insist I’m not holding the crime novel hostage but if you want to help out with bandwidth fees, that would be great. Please click on the safe and secure yellow donate button at AllThatChazz.com or CoolPeoplePodcast.com.

To enter to win this crime novel in paperback, put your guess in the comments of this post. Closest wins.
Want to get in on the Vine contest and enter to win an autographed copy of Bigger Than Jesus? Check out the post directly below this one. 

Speaking of which, have you listened to the Cool People Podcast yet? Have a listen and if you like it, please leave a review on iTunes so more people can find us. (Same for the All That Chazz podcast, come to think of it + dang it!)

New websites: ThisPlagueofDays.com and onlysixseconds.wordpress.com. Check those out, too.

You guys can get me at expartepress AT gmail DOT com or @rchazzchute on Twitter. Say hello and share what you think of the podcast.

Podcast art: Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com.

Music for today’s podcast was Pop Goes the Weasel by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com.

Thanks for listening! 

~Chazz