Thanks to Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com for another great design.
Back with a vengeance, I talk about how an energy vampire sapped my creativity and hurt my widdle baby feelings. I worked through it, got back on track and now things are going pretty dang swimmingly. If you want to give the therapy talk a miss, go to about 32 minutes in for the author reading.
Yes, at last and finally, a new reading from Higher Than Jesus, my crime novel. The chapter is Some Like It Hot. Go to AllThatChazz.com if you’d like to read the book for yourself. From AllThatChazz.com, you can get it from Amazon as an ebook or a paperback. Nifty! You can also donate to the podcast using the little yellow button at AllThatChazz.com and go to CoolPeoplePodcast.com for my interviews with actors, authors, directors, musicians and more. It’s an audio buffet.
Today’s sponsor is KitFosterDesign.com. Kit Foster is my graphic designer. Check out all his portfolio. He doesn’t just do awesome digital and print covers. He can also design beautiful artwork for your podcast, web banners and advertising. He works with all sorts and he’s the nicest guy in the world. Very reasonable prices, too. Tell him Chazz sent you.
Sorry about the hiatus,folks! Aside from the energy vampire, I also am having some trouble adjusting to running two business at the same time. Life is struggle but I’ll get my time management straightened out. Expect a new podcast soon.
To find out more about me and my horror serial, This Plague of Days, check out www.ThisPlagueOfDays.com. If you’re a writer, go to www.ChazzWrites.com.
Cheers and beers, everybody!
It’s episode #73 and Bradley Manning finally gets to talk. Not to me but to the world, and that’s a good thing (finally!) Chazz is down, furious and off the deep end. This podcast includes recommendations for better podcasts, self-loathing, and whining about taxes. Chazz also gets to read a couple of his favorite chapters from Higher Than Jesus. (Also, Jesus unofficially forgives him.) Chazz also makes time to rail against haters and discovers he’s too sensitive to understand how sensitive he is.
Check out the links to books by Robert Chazz Chute under “Shop” at AllThatChazz.com. Books include:
Bigger Than Jesus
Higher Than Jesus
Self-help for Stoners
Six Seconds, How to Build Your Business with the Vine App
Crack the Indie Author Code
Write Your Books: Aspire to Inspire
Sex, Death & Mind Control
Murders Among Dead Trees
If you like the books, please leave a happy review wherever you buy books.
Music today is Mistake the Getaway by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com.
Web banners, podcast art and book covers by our sponsor, Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com.
Better people than Chazz: Scott SIgler.
Thanks for listening! If you like the podcast, please leave a happy review. If you can’t stand me but you like cool people, check out the Cool People Podcast at CoolPeoplePodcast.com.
I refuse one billion dollars from Yoda! General chaos, rabid dogs and the sequester grind my gears as I do battle with Stitcher. I announce my new podcast, Cool People Podcast and give you a sneak peek (or should that be a sneak “hear”? That sounds weird. Go to CoolPeoplePodcast.com to hear the first episode with horror author and zombie-loving Armand Rosamilia.) Also on the show, a medical update of terror, special thank yous and (two, count ’em, TWO!) new chapters from the crime novel of comedy, sex and violence, Higher Than Jesus. If you’re offended by the last line of the chapter “Rope”, get your Lutheran grandma to listen to it. Lutheran Grandma’s okay with vulgar jokes, right?
Shout out to new newsletter subscriber: Karen Banes of ChangetheWorldwithWords.com.
Much love to Dave Jackson from SchoolofPodcasting.com and our sponsor, Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com.
Chapter 8 of Higher Than Jesus, “Rope” begins like this:
After locking the door, you find Samuel Clemont making a fish patty for himself in the kitchen. The counters and stoves are built shorter so he can reach everything. You feel taller. Then your shoulders sag when you consider that Willow sees you the way you see this Oompa Loompa kitchen.
Clemont scrapes the burnt fish patty off the grill with a blackened spatula and dumps it on a stiff bun beside a pile of french fries on a chipped plate. “Shoulda set up shop in New Orleans. You burn your food in the Big Easy, you just call it Cajun and nobody complains. Just add hot sauce.” He bites into his sandwich and grimaces. “I grew up in Maine, so I hate fish. Ate too much of it when I was a kid. Sick of it. Still, this halibut is about to turn. Might as well eat the profits. Still better than most food I ever had as a grunt.”
“Is the Marines where you learned to cook?”
His laugh has a cutting edge. “Hell, no!” He drops the fish sandwich back on the plate. “Though, that would explain a lot.”
While Clemont focuses on the fries, you look around. The M4 Carbine is propped against the wall in a corner beside a table with a box of rounds. Clemont snaps his ketchup-stained fingers and waves you over to a stool by the counter. “I talked to Paulie again. He said you’d come.”
“It sounds like you’ve got much bigger problems than Willow’s drug dealer.”
“I thought Gillie could take care of these guys. Apparently, I was misinformed, so I guess people can change. Should have seen what he did back in the day. Gillie’s still bad ass, but inflexible about what else I need done. Since you’ve already shot Willow’s supplier, I guess you’re up. You pass the test. You can help me with the Lone Wolf and his sidekick.”
“Maybe Gillie’s got the right idea — ” … Hear the rest of the chapter or grab the all the books from the links at AllThatChazz.com.
Thanks for listening! If you like the show, please leave a happy review on iTunes.
In this edition of the All That Chazz podcast: Oscar fallout; scary health scares; great big kid love; Higher Than Jesus wins a cover design award; Six Seconds is released and I do a challenging (some dicks would say embarrassing) reading of chapter 7, “The Unknown Man”, from my crime novel. When I wrote the character of Chillie Gillie, I gave him a lisp. It reads well, but I had no idea how hard he would be to read aloud. You can be entertained by the story or laugh at my unintentional humour as i struggle through Chill’s dialogue.
This podcast is sponsored by Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com. In case you didn’t love Kit Foster’s work enough already, you should know that it was his work on Higher Than Jesus that earned Venture Galleries’ Cover Design Award for Hardboiled Mystery! Thanks again, Kit! Check out Kit’s portfolio. He does web banners, too, so everyone can benefit from his services.
The big announcement this week is that my quick guide to using Vine is launched! The book is Six Seconds, The Unauthorized Guide to How to Build Your Business with the Vine App. Vine is the Apple app to make short videos. I write about how to make stories, art and humour to promote your services or products in a fun way without feeling spammy. It will be available on more platforms than Apple soon, I’m sure. Think of Vine as video Twitter and get in early to make the most of it. Vines are so much fun to make, it’s an end in itself. However, I think the app has great potential for business. Finally, a fun way to promote your work and enliven your Twitter stream with easy to make video! Six Seconds is 18,000 words, brief and funny for just $1.99. Get it here. If you love it, please review it. Thank you.
Enjoy all the awkward lisping and thanks for listening!
It’s podcast #70! However, confidence shaken, join me as I go down the rabbit hole of angst and get past the ennui. Top secrets are teased; new podcasts, books and podcasts are launched; I talk about the glory of Cormac McCarthy’s No Country for Old Men; writing contests, fear and gratitude. We round out the podcast with some What’s Cool News about a new app called Vine and I read one of my favorite chapters from Higher Than Jesus, my crime novel with a funny, luckless hit man.
Very astute readers might notice that, except for the final two chapters, every chapter title is a movie, usually something noirish.
In case you missed it, here’s the synopsis to bring you up to speed on Higher Than Jesus:
Yes, it’s time for a reading by the author and Chapter 6 is called “Mean Streets”. So far in the story, Jesus has killed a man on Christmas Day in Chicago. The promised payment for the murderous deed doesn’t come through so he heads over to the God Eats Diner to see the client face-to-face and to get paid. Then our favorite funny hit man falls in love with the blonde glamazon Willow Clemont, the client’s daughter. Just as he’s about to ask her out, two guys with guns burst in demanding to speak to Willow’s father, Samuel Clemont, the wheelchair-bound former Marine. Jesus defends Willow, along with Chill Gillie, a very skilled bodyguard. We haven’t seen the last of the two thugs from the local gang, but in the meantime, Jesus walks Willow home and Cupid’s got them both in the cross hairs.
In “Mean Streets”, we finally find out a little more about Jesus Diaz’s childhood after he escaped that basement of terrors and enslavement in Miami. (For more on Jesus’s origins, get Bigger Than Jesus by Robert Chazz Chute.) Today’s instalment details how Jesus and Denny De Molina survived in Havana on the Hudson…and how Jesus got a taste for killing to survive.
Our sponsor is Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com. Consult him for all your graphics needs. Special thanks to Dave Jackson of The School of Podcasting for his help this week. If you need a new website or a new podcast, I highly recommend you get Dave’s help.
Music for today’s podcast was “Truth of the Legend” by Kevin McLeod of Incompetech.com. Awesome royalty-free music there. Check it out.
Thanks for listening. If you like the show, please review it on iTunes, buy my books. If you care to donate, I sure won’t stop you. Thanks for listening, in any case.
I’m working on the next book in the Hit Man Series, Hollywood Jesus. Here’s a little excerpt from the first chapter. Read between the lines, and you’ll find some tips on protecting your home from burglars…or quirky assassins with mommy issues.
On TV, the hero slips a credit card into the edge of a door to pick a lock. That destroys the credit card — who needs that hassle unless it isn’t your credit card? — and isn’t nearly as easy as it looks except with cheap motel doors. The next option is to pull out a lock pick set and get to work, hoping a nosy neighbor doesn’t spot you while you struggle to overcome the lock. It’s not just picky work. It’s nit-picky and plenty of locks are different so you have to take the time to learn the lock. More hassle. If Dexter episodes went down in real time, it would be a much longer and more boring show.
You’ve used the hockey stick and bicycle chain trick to rip off doorknobs, but since you’d look suspicious walking around with that sort of bulge in your sports jacket, you’ve left that tool at home. That’s your only complaint about West Coast weather: The sun always shines in Hollywood, so no stylish trench coat for you.
If you were a brainless thug, the quickest way into Fitzwald’s house is simply to kick in the door, making sure your heel connects full force by the lock. That’s almost always effective. Even paranoid homeowners may spend $1,000 on a security door, but they spend the least they can on the installer so the frame is $25 worth of wood and the screws that hold it in place are usually way too short. One or two kicks gets you in quicker than fumbling with a key. That makes plenty of noise, though, and that choice could end badly with you tying up the nosy old man from next-door with electrical cord. One heart attack that’s another murder charge against you. Who needs it?
The key to a happy life is less stress, so you do the brainy thug thing: You look. The key isn’t under the mat or on top of the doorframe. It’s under the second flower pot you check. The homeowner would have had half a chance of keeping you out if he’d thought to at least stick the spare key in the pot’s dirt. That would have stymied you easily, but since no one wants dirty fingernails, you’re standing in Fitzwald’s house, easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.
As you step into the living room, a motion detector shines red and a shrill alarm goes off, jangling your nerves. However, alarms are even easier to deal with than people who leave their house keys in predictable places…
~ Robert Chazz Chute is a crime novelist and suspense writer who podcasts weekly, but never weakly (see below for the latest podcast.) To begin The Hit Man Series, Bigger Than Jesus is for sale at the low introductory price of just .99 cents because the first taste is cheap. Once you’re hooked as a thriller fan, the second in the series is Higher Than Jesus. Enjoy.
Jesus is hiding in a Jersey motel, and no one wants that. Recovery, murderous plotting and a little discussion about free will and the nature of the universe. Things also get deep with a little extra surprise at the end of this podcast.
Buy Bigger Than Jesus, the first book in The Hit Man Series through the Amazon link to the left. Or donate. Or buy all the books by Robert Chazz Chute on Amazon. That’s right. Go crazy.
Thanks for listening, reading and strangling mimes at every opportunity. (I have a mime issue.)
In this episode of the suspense novel, Bigger Than Jesus finds Jesus visiting the lovely Lily Vasquez’s apartment. They aren’t alone, and things are about to get bloody.
Robert Chazz Chute is the author of Bigger Than Jesus, Self-help for Stoners, The Dangerous Kind & Other Stories and Sex, Death & Mind Control.
Writing a book? You need an excellent graphic designer at reasonable prices. Go to KitFosterDesign.com. Kit Foster is the person you need to make a cover that sells.