Tag Archives: bigger than jesus

A very short story. I like my stories like I like my women: dark and bitter.

I got a review today that put me in a bad mood. Everybody gets an opinion. That’s fine and I don’t ever reply to bad reviews. However, borderline libellous statements sap my creative energy and make me sad. I’ve reported the abuse to the platform in question, though I doubt they’ll do anything about it. That’s how these things tend to go.

I took an hour off. I lost some writing time. I watched an episode of Band of Brothers. Was there ever a better film depiction of soldiers in war that didn’t glamorize it? It was a good thing to lose an hour to. 
Anyway, I posted the story below on Facebook earlier. Then I decided to share it with all of you. If you like my crime novels, Bigger Than Jesus and Higher Than Jesus, you might go for this. It’s  from a dark work in progress in my head. Let’s have a demonstration of psycho-macho psyche and what that BS can get you. Let’s call it…

Fair play

The big man’s first slap stunned the smaller man. 

The victim’s head rocked back and blood ran freely from his split lip. Shocked, he touched his mouth. “The speaker phone was on when you called me at home before. My family heard. You frightened my wife and child. You shouldn’ta done that.”

A smile. “Scared of me?”

“Yes.”

“Should be.”

“You’re making a mistake. Leave. Leave now! Please!”

The big man stepped closer, looked him up and down, and chuckled.

The smaller man took the cell from his shirt pocket and hit “End”.

The big man’s second slap didn’t connect. Instead, the intended victim cupped his attacker’s chin in one hand and grabbed him by the hair at the back of his head. The big man laughed, even as the smaller man twisted his neck and, almost gently, guided him to the ground.

Then the big man’s intended victim brought all his weight down, hard, slamming the point of his knee into the side of the attacker’s face, just in front of the ear.

The big man’s laughter broke cold over stunning realization. The jaw didn’t break. Instead, it wrenched to the side in a loose, snapping slide.

A second’s silence passed. Nerves lit fire. Brain gears whirled panic. The screeching and flailing began.

The smaller man yelled to be heard above the big man’s pain. “You came to humiliate me! You came here to beat me up. But I’m not here for a fight!”

He took the big man’s eyes first. After that, it was easy. 

When the man stood, he wasn’t the victim anymore. His cell lay on the floor, ringing and ringing. That would be 911 calling back to make sure he was okay. He was fine. He felt taller.

Podcast: Get Shorty

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Jesus is trapped in the back of the God Eats Diner. He’s just killed two people and feels kind of bad  about it. Worse, he just realized he’s been working for a really bad guy. Oh, and did I mention the back door is guarded by the guy he almost beat to death and there’s no way out because the diner is on fire? Facing a fiery death, my funny, loveable and luckless hit man has a few last thoughts to share. He also has some tough choices about how to die. Coming to Chicago was a mistake.

About the title: I love Elmore Leonard, but today’s author reading is from Higher Than Jesus. The chapter is called “Get Shorty”. Except for the last two chapters, all the chapter titles in Higher Than Jesus are from old movies. I’m a big noir and neo-noir film buff, so that’s why.

Our sponsor is the incredible graphic designer: Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com. Check out his site, his awesome professional portfolio and his very reasonable prices.

Check out my interviews with cool people on the Cool People Podcast at CoolPeoplePodcast.com. (Next guest, Hugh Howey!)

Buy, read, love, and review This Plague of Days and learn more about the horror serial at www.ThisPlagueOfDays.com.

To support the podcasts, buy the books or hit the handy donate buttons at AllThatChazz.com or CoolPeoplePodcast.com. If that doesn’t work with your budget, please leave a happy review on iTunes to spread the word. Thank you!

~ Chazz

Podcast: A Kiss Before Dying

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I miss America. It was awesome. However, with the plague coming, it was going down anyway. This Plague of Days, my world flu pandemic/autistic/zombie apocalypse horror serial will be released soon.

(Check out ThisPlagueOfDays.com for sneak peaks and to find out more.)

Meanwhile, in this episode of All That Chazz, I read another chapter from my crime novel, Higher Than Jesus.

The Story So Far

Higher than Jesus Final NEW copy 2Cuban assassin-for-hire Jesus Diaz has come to Chicago to escape all the trouble he started up with New York’s Spanish mob (as told in Bigger Than Jesus). After killing a bad guy on Christmas day, he finds himself in the middle of an arms deal going terribly wrong. Two groups: a gang called the Victorious and a group of religious nuts called the Recipients are vying for the same arms shipment. Diaz has fallen for his new boss’s beautiful daughter, Willow Clemont. Chill, the bodyguard has to keep Willow safe while Jesus deal with the bad guys. Last week’s episode got sexy. Things are about to get hotter, but not in a happy way.

For all the links to all the books, go to AllThatChazz.com and click the Shop tab.

Photo on 12-12-05 at 4.33 PMThis podcast is sponsored in part by Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com. Music today was Mechanolith and What You Want #2, both supplied by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com.

If you love the show, feel free to donate to help me with the bandwidth costs, buy the books or leave a happy review in iTunes to help more people find me. Thanks! I appreciate the help and I appreciate you!

Cheers!

Chazz

Slightly crazed: This is how I see myself as I write

Chazz Demotivational

Bigger_Than_Jesus_Cover_for_Kindle
Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign came up with an excellent demotivational poster based on the beginning of Bigger Than Jesus.

Jesus Diaz, my loveable, luckless hit man, would definitely approve! (I do, too!)
 

The Mean Streets Edition

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It’s podcast #70! However, confidence shaken, join me as I go down the rabbit hole of angst and get past the ennui. Top secrets are teased; new podcasts, books and podcasts are launched; I talk about the glory of Cormac McCarthy’s No Country for Old Men; writing contests, fear and gratitude. We round out the podcast with some What’s Cool News about a new app called Vine and I read one of my favorite chapters from Higher Than Jesus, my crime novel with a funny, luckless hit man.

Insider Information

Very astute readers might notice that, except for the final two chapters, every chapter title is a movie, usually something noirish.

In case you missed it, here’s the synopsis to bring you up to speed on Higher Than Jesus:

Yes, it’s time for a reading by the author and Chapter 6 is called “Mean Streets”. So far in the story, Jesus has killed a man on Christmas Day in Chicago. The promised payment for the murderous deed doesn’t come through so he heads over to the God Eats Diner to see the client face-to-face and to get paid. Then our favorite funny hit man falls in love with the blonde glamazon Willow Clemont, the client’s daughter. Just as he’s about to ask her out, two guys with guns burst in demanding to speak to Willow’s father, Samuel Clemont, the wheelchair-bound former Marine. Jesus defends Willow, along with Chill Gillie, a very skilled bodyguard. We haven’t seen the last of the two thugs from the local gang, but in the meantime, Jesus walks Willow home and Cupid’s got them both in the cross hairs. 

In “Mean Streets”, we finally find out a little more about Jesus Diaz’s childhood after he escaped that basement of terrors and enslavement in Miami. (For more on Jesus’s origins, get Bigger Than Jesus by Robert Chazz Chute.) Today’s instalment details how Jesus and Denny De Molina survived in Havana on the Hudson…and how Jesus got a taste for killing to survive.

Our sponsor is Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com. Consult him for all your graphics needs. Special thanks to Dave Jackson of The School of Podcasting for his help this week. If you need a new website or a new podcast, I highly recommend you get Dave’s help.

Music for today’s podcast was “Truth of the Legend” by Kevin McLeod of Incompetech.com. Awesome royalty-free music there. Check it out.

Thanks for listening. If you like the show, please review it on iTunes, buy my books. If you care to donate, I sure won’t stop you. Thanks for listening, in any case.

Cheers!

~ Chazz

Protect your home from thieves, ninjas and quirky assassins

I’m working on the next book in the Hit Man Series, Hollywood Jesus. Here’s a little excerpt from the first chapter. Read between the lines, and you’ll find some tips on protecting your home from burglars…or quirky assassins with mommy issues.

On TV, the hero slips a credit card into the edge of a door to pick a lock. That destroys the credit card — who needs that hassle unless it isn’t your credit card? —  and isn’t nearly as easy as it looks except with cheap motel doors. The next option is to pull out a lock pick set and get to work, hoping a nosy neighbor doesn’t spot you while you struggle to overcome the lock. It’s not just picky work. It’s nit-picky and plenty of locks are different so you have to take the time to learn the lock. More hassle. If Dexter episodes went down in real time, it would be a much longer and more boring show.

You’ve used the hockey stick and bicycle chain trick to rip off doorknobs, but since you’d look suspicious walking around with that sort of bulge in your sports jacket, you’ve left that tool at home. That’s your only complaint about West Coast weather: The sun always shines in Hollywood, so no stylish trench coat for you.

If you were a brainless thug, the quickest way into Fitzwald’s house is simply to kick in the door, making sure your heel connects full force by the lock. That’s almost always effective. Even paranoid homeowners may spend $1,000 on a security door, but they spend the least they can on the installer so the frame is $25 worth of wood and the screws that hold it in place are usually way too short. One or two kicks gets you in quicker than fumbling with a key. That makes plenty of noise, though, and that choice could end badly with you tying up the nosy old man from next-door with electrical cord. One heart attack that’s another murder charge against you. Who needs it?

The key to a happy life is less stress, so you do the brainy thug thing: You look. The key isn’t under the mat or on top of the doorframe. It’s under the second flower pot you check. The homeowner would have had half a chance of keeping you out if he’d thought to at least stick the spare key in the pot’s dirt. That would have stymied you easily, but since no one wants dirty fingernails, you’re standing in Fitzwald’s house, easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. 

As you step into the living room, a motion detector shines red and a shrill alarm goes off, jangling your nerves. However, alarms are even easier to deal with than people who leave their house keys in predictable places…

~ Robert Chazz Chute is a crime novelist and suspense writer who podcasts weekly, but never weakly (see below for the latest podcast.) To begin The Hit Man Series, Bigger Than Jesus is for sale at the low introductory price of just .99 cents because the first taste is cheap. Once you’re hooked as a thriller fan, the second in the series is Higher Than Jesus. Enjoy. 

The Bigger Than Jesus Finale

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Jesus versus Salvador Dali and the FBI! These are the last two chapters of Bigger Than Jesus by Robert Chazz Chute: The Man You Are Not and The Man You Are. Enjoy! 

Next episode: I interview Scout Trooper, master unicyclist and videographer/marketing genius Brian MacKenzie. Then we start a new reading: Higher Than Jesus. Expect explosions, jokes, sex and violence and funny surprises. Bad guys will burn! Um…I’m talking about my next crime novel, not the Brian MacKenzie interview. It will all be fun.

Check out our sponsor, Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com, for excellent web banners, Quote Art, book covers and more!

Mortality, Monkeys & The Garage

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Jesus is on the loose and bad guys are going to die. 

This podcast is sponsored by the inimitable Kit Foster. Whether it’s a web banner, Quote Art or an amazing book cover you need, please visit KitFosterDesign.com.

The weirdness happened again (+ The 7 Words or Less Contest Announcement)

Get all the details and enter the 7 Words or Less Contest here at ChazzWrites.com. 

Amazon sent me a promotional email about my book, Bigger Than Jesus. If everybody else who loves suspense and thrillers gets this and buys one…well, yay!

Meanwhile, did you know you could get your name in my next thriller, Hollywood Jesus? It could happen if you have a funny slogan. Have fun with it.

Get all the details and enter here at ChazzWrites.com. 

Another Free Book!

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Another free ebook! Has Chazz gone mad? Plus, in this chapter of Bigger Than Jesus, our luckless hit man is captured by Vincent and in the sights of a SPAS-12.

Higher Than Jesus is free for you to download until Nov. 23! It’s hardboiled sex and violence with lots of funny dialogue. Jesus is in Chicago killing a bad guy on Christmas Day, brokering an arms deal and failing miserably at group therapy. Grab the ebook as it races up the hardboiled and suspense lists. 

A shout out this week goes to new newsletter subscriber PC Zick of pczick.com and author of Live from the Road. Want a mention in the podcast for your website, business or book? Subscribe to the AllThatChazz.com newsletter.

This is podcast is sponsored by the amazing graphic artist Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com. He can do amazing work for you, too!