Tag Archives: All that Chazz

The Hit Man Edition (plus blowing up in Hollywood!)

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Chazz is back! And so is the hit man! That can’t be a coincidence. Anybody seen these two guys in the same room at once?

Today we continue with the author reading of Higher Than Jesus. Meanwhile, the third book in the Hit Man Series is suddenly available. Don’t know what I’m talking about? It’s the funny/hardboiled adventure with my luckless Cuban anti-hero, Jesus Diaz. Come for the action and surprises. Stay for the jokes.

Good news! All three books are also now available in one ebook edition: The Divine Assassin’s Playbook, Omnibus Edition! Read all three crime novels — Bigger Than Jesus, Higher Than Jesus, and the latest, Hollywood Jesus — for one low price.

Check out all the books by Robert Chazz Chute at AllThatChazz.com. Talk to the Divine Assassin directly on Twitter @AssassinsPlayBk.

Hire our sponsor and amazing graphic design genius, Kit Foster, at KitFosterDesign.com.

Anthem

Someone is trying to pull me into their psycho-drama. This is a person committed to the illusion of their victimhood. Every problem is a catastrophe and a conflict. Every slight, real or imagined, is a mortal wound. A mistake is their excuse to try to own you forever.

Worse, they are trying to make a victim of me.

I will not get sucked in. Whatever the problem, I can solve it. Whatever the challenge, I will meet it. And I will remember who I am.

Each day is full of milestones, big and small. If our milestones consist solely of breakfast and lunch and dinner, we are merely marking time and not using it. Negative people create their own hell and I will not live there. Do-nothing people risk nothing and stay nothing and they demand you be nothing, too.

That’s not for me.

I will use this day. I will rise above my enemies. I will rise so far above them, they will look up. They’ll want to be my friends.

I am very good to my friends. I am very bad to those who choose to stay my enemies.

 

The Writing Life: Big Changes and New Ventures

Hello, Loyal Readers! (and you traitorous hater bastids, too! You know who you are!)

Here’s what’s up:

I’m powering through the last bits of This Plague of Days, Season Two. (Read this post at ThisPlagueOfDays.com to find out more about the exciting stuff coming in Season Two.)

As the summer winds down and I toil on the manuscript, things have gotten a little crazy. Okay. Maybe the crazy is just me, but the point is, I’m overwhelmed with work. Solution? Oddly, the solution is: Add more work. 

In order to pay bills and get life on track, I’m starting another business in addition to Ex Parte Press. My daughter asked me today about my plans for the fall. 

“Daddy is setting up another business, sweetie. That’s what daddy does because regular jobs give daddy a rash.” It’s true. I have control issues, meaning I have to be in control to function in the world. If someone tries to control me, I alternate between depression and anxiety. There’s also a little bit of Jesus Diaz in me that gets activated. (If you don’t get that, you need to get this and this!)

Still…another business? Again?

It’s not despair I feel…I don’t think. It shouldn’t be despair. I admit that I do wish I could make Ex Parte Press work faster so all I had to do was write. (Hell, while we’re at it, why not hot and cold running interns, a latte fountain and a lottery win?)

However, I get excited about doing creative things. Starting up businesses is creative, too. It gives me anxiety, but also nervous energy that I can pour into all my endeavours. I crave constant stimulation. Whether it’s writing or helping people solve problems, business ventures and new books are on the same artful continuum.

But why another business now?

My publishing company isn’t making enough money to afford a vanilla bean latte fountain…yet.

I must emphasize: YET. Here’s why I’m optimistic:

This Plague of Days and Bigger Than Jesus have some big publicity coming their way soon. I’m revamping Crack the Indie Author Code for print and getting back marketing control of Self-help for Stoners. I have big plans for the third book (and a bunch written already) in the Hit Man Series. I’m already 25,000 words into This Plague of Days, Season ThreeIn November, I’ll speak at the London Central Library for an evening of readings and publishing Q&A. I’m juggling a lot of balls, but with heavy demand, I’m a high-functioning  cyborg from outer space.

I’m activating marketing plans for more of my books while writing more books. There aren’t enough hours in the day for all I want to create. Sometimes the headaches and insomnia hit when it’s all too much. Sometimes I work on stories and plans in my sleep. (No, really. That’s true.) In the past two years, since starting Ex Parte Press, I’ve published ten books. Despite my other business start-up, I do not anticipate my publishing pace will slow.

I’ve got big plans on several fronts. There’s much reason to be optimistic.

This Plague of Days is beginning to get traction. It’s a time of uproar as I fight to get another income stream started and my kids begin to attend two different schools. Our busy schedules are more complicated just as I launch more books and prep for the fall and Christmas book season. Plus, my podcasts and many blogs will continue. I am your friendly neighbourhood writing machine and together, we will overcome. I am Resolve.

Because of Season Two of TPOD, the All That Chazz podcast has necessarily been on hiatus for August. (The family wanted family time for a change and we had a nice and necessary break before diving back in.)

This is not a struggle. This is Nemo: Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming!

A new episode of the All That Chazz podcast returns next week!

(Check out the latest Cool People Podcast here. )

 

 

#Video: This is the End movie review

This Plague of Days is launching this week! Watch this space for announcements, or, better, sign up for the newsletter!

Each new sign up gets a shout out for their book, podcast, website or business on the All That Chazz podcast.

For more information about this cool horror serial (featuring a hero who’s autistic and a mix of The Stand, Cell, World War Z and 28 Days Later) check out ThisPlagueOfDays.com.

I believe (but I’m not a belieber)

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NSFW podcast of peril: Deathmatch with a nurse, combat in the ER, condemning Bush and Cheney, swearing in church, and Higher Than Jesus! I’m full of shenanigans in this, the 75th episode of the All That Chazz podcast. Frowned upon by the Amish. However, this program is approved by 96.2% of cool people, people who actually enjoy being entertained and 12.6% of cats. (Sorry, grumpy cats. We’ll work harder.)

FYI: SCROLL DOWN FOR DETAILS ABOUT MY CONTEST ON VINE. You could win

Please click to grab the gripping, funny crime thriller by Robert Chazz Chute.

Please click to grab the gripping, funny crime thriller by Robert Chazz Chute.

an autographed copy of Bigger Than Jesus if you’re closest to the number of posts it takes for me to get to the end of “Another Day at the Office”, a short story from Self-help for Stoners.

Self Help for Stoners JPEGAt the top of the show: Vengeance is mine! HaHAhahahahahaha!

At 0:45 What I believe. (Mostly, sorta. This gets fun.)

At 3:49 Author versus bad nurse. She wins. I promise vengeance. (I get so mad and scared I create a new website DecisionToChange.com.) Get healthy with me at DecisionToChange.com.

10:28 Double Jeopardy, a reading from my crime novel Higher Than Jesus

At 22:24 An invitation to: AllThatChazz.com, Higher+than+Jesus+Front+1029ChazzWrites.com, ThisPlagueofDays.com, onlysixseconds.wordpress.com, CoolPeoplePodcast.com, and DecisionToChange.com.

Music today was “All This” by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com. 

Podcast art by sponsor Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com.

Like the show? Please leave your compliments in an iTunes review. Or donate. Or buy a book. (See all the links to all the books at AllThatChazz.com, including the link to Higher Than Jesus if you can’t stand my reading of my funny crime novel.)

The Grinding Gears Edition

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I refuse one billion dollars from Yoda! General chaos, rabid dogs and the sequester grind my gears as I do battle with Stitcher. I announce my new podcast, Cool People Podcast and give you a sneak peek (or should that be a sneak “hear”? That sounds weird. Go to CoolPeoplePodcast.com to hear the first episode with horror author and zombie-loving Armand Rosamilia.) Also on the show, a medical update of terror, special thank yous and (two, count ‘em, TWO!) new chapters from the crime novel of comedy, sex and violence, Higher Than Jesus. If you’re offended by the last line of the chapter “Rope”, get your Lutheran grandma to listen to it. Lutheran Grandma’s okay with vulgar jokes, right?

Shout out to new newsletter subscriber: Karen Banes of ChangetheWorldwithWords.com.

Much love to Dave Jackson from SchoolofPodcasting.com and our sponsor, Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com.

Chapter 8 of Higher Than Jesus, “Rope” begins like this:

After locking the door, you find Samuel Clemont making a fish patty for himself in the kitchen. The counters and stoves are built shorter so he can reach everything. You feel taller. Then your shoulders sag when you consider that Willow sees you the way you see this Oompa Loompa kitchen. 

Clemont scrapes the burnt fish patty off the grill with a blackened spatula and dumps it on a stiff bun beside a pile of french fries on a chipped plate. “Shoulda set up shop in New Orleans. You burn your food in the Big Easy, you just call it Cajun and nobody complains. Just add hot sauce.” He bites into his sandwich and grimaces. “I grew up in Maine, so I hate fish. Ate too much of it when I was a kid. Sick of it. Still, this halibut is about to turn. Might as well eat the profits. Still better than most food I ever had as a grunt.” 

“Is the Marines where you learned to cook?”

His laugh has a cutting edge. “Hell, no!” He drops the fish sandwich back on the plate. “Though, that would explain a lot.” 

While Clemont focuses on the fries, you look around. The M4 Carbine is propped against the wall in a corner beside a table with a box of rounds. Clemont snaps his ketchup-stained fingers and waves you over to a stool by the counter.  “I talked to Paulie again. He said you’d come.”

“It sounds like you’ve got much bigger problems than Willow’s drug dealer.”

“I thought Gillie could take care of these guys. Apparently, I was misinformed, so I guess people can change. Should have seen what he did back in the day. Gillie’s still bad ass, but inflexible about what else I need done. Since you’ve already shot Willow’s supplier, I guess you’re up. You pass the test. You can help me with the Lone Wolf and his sidekick.”

“Maybe Gillie’s got the right idea — ” … Hear the rest of the chapter or grab the all the books from the links at AllThatChazz.com.

Thanks for listening! If you like the show, please leave a happy review on iTunes.

Cheers!

~ Chazz

 

The Mean Streets Edition

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It’s podcast #70! However, confidence shaken, join me as I go down the rabbit hole of angst and get past the ennui. Top secrets are teased; new podcasts, books and podcasts are launched; I talk about the glory of Cormac McCarthy’s No Country for Old Men; writing contests, fear and gratitude. We round out the podcast with some What’s Cool News about a new app called Vine and I read one of my favorite chapters from Higher Than Jesus, my crime novel with a funny, luckless hit man.

Insider Information

Very astute readers might notice that, except for the final two chapters, every chapter title is a movie, usually something noirish.

In case you missed it, here’s the synopsis to bring you up to speed on Higher Than Jesus:

Yes, it’s time for a reading by the author and Chapter 6 is called “Mean Streets”. So far in the story, Jesus has killed a man on Christmas Day in Chicago. The promised payment for the murderous deed doesn’t come through so he heads over to the God Eats Diner to see the client face-to-face and to get paid. Then our favorite funny hit man falls in love with the blonde glamazon Willow Clemont, the client’s daughter. Just as he’s about to ask her out, two guys with guns burst in demanding to speak to Willow’s father, Samuel Clemont, the wheelchair-bound former Marine. Jesus defends Willow, along with Chill Gillie, a very skilled bodyguard. We haven’t seen the last of the two thugs from the local gang, but in the meantime, Jesus walks Willow home and Cupid’s got them both in the cross hairs. 

In “Mean Streets”, we finally find out a little more about Jesus Diaz’s childhood after he escaped that basement of terrors and enslavement in Miami. (For more on Jesus’s origins, get Bigger Than Jesus by Robert Chazz Chute.) Today’s instalment details how Jesus and Denny De Molina survived in Havana on the Hudson…and how Jesus got a taste for killing to survive.

Our sponsor is Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com. Consult him for all your graphics needs. Special thanks to Dave Jackson of The School of Podcasting for his help this week. If you need a new website or a new podcast, I highly recommend you get Dave’s help.

Music for today’s podcast was “Truth of the Legend” by Kevin McLeod of Incompetech.com. Awesome royalty-free music there. Check it out.

Thanks for listening. If you like the show, please review it on iTunes, buy my books. If you care to donate, I sure won’t stop you. Thanks for listening, in any case.

Cheers!

~ Chazz

Protect your home from thieves, ninjas and quirky assassins

I’m working on the next book in the Hit Man Series, Hollywood Jesus. Here’s a little excerpt from the first chapter. Read between the lines, and you’ll find some tips on protecting your home from burglars…or quirky assassins with mommy issues.

On TV, the hero slips a credit card into the edge of a door to pick a lock. That destroys the credit card — who needs that hassle unless it isn’t your credit card? —  and isn’t nearly as easy as it looks except with cheap motel doors. The next option is to pull out a lock pick set and get to work, hoping a nosy neighbor doesn’t spot you while you struggle to overcome the lock. It’s not just picky work. It’s nit-picky and plenty of locks are different so you have to take the time to learn the lock. More hassle. If Dexter episodes went down in real time, it would be a much longer and more boring show.

You’ve used the hockey stick and bicycle chain trick to rip off doorknobs, but since you’d look suspicious walking around with that sort of bulge in your sports jacket, you’ve left that tool at home. That’s your only complaint about West Coast weather: The sun always shines in Hollywood, so no stylish trench coat for you.

If you were a brainless thug, the quickest way into Fitzwald’s house is simply to kick in the door, making sure your heel connects full force by the lock. That’s almost always effective. Even paranoid homeowners may spend $1,000 on a security door, but they spend the least they can on the installer so the frame is $25 worth of wood and the screws that hold it in place are usually way too short. One or two kicks gets you in quicker than fumbling with a key. That makes plenty of noise, though, and that choice could end badly with you tying up the nosy old man from next-door with electrical cord. One heart attack that’s another murder charge against you. Who needs it?

The key to a happy life is less stress, so you do the brainy thug thing: You look. The key isn’t under the mat or on top of the doorframe. It’s under the second flower pot you check. The homeowner would have had half a chance of keeping you out if he’d thought to at least stick the spare key in the pot’s dirt. That would have stymied you easily, but since no one wants dirty fingernails, you’re standing in Fitzwald’s house, easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. 

As you step into the living room, a motion detector shines red and a shrill alarm goes off, jangling your nerves. However, alarms are even easier to deal with than people who leave their house keys in predictable places…

~ Robert Chazz Chute is a crime novelist and suspense writer who podcasts weekly, but never weakly (see below for the latest podcast.) To begin The Hit Man Series, Bigger Than Jesus is for sale at the low introductory price of just .99 cents because the first taste is cheap. Once you’re hooked as a thriller fan, the second in the series is Higher Than Jesus. Enjoy. 

Podcast: The Christmas Apocalypse Edition

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In this pod, I cry: Murders Among Dead Trees (free ebook!), My Life as a Spy, Newtown, Bad Media and sex & violence in a reading called Another Narrow Escape.

Grab the ebook, Murders Among Dead Trees, before Friday Dec 21st at midnight and it’s free. If you love suspense and paranormal stories, please review the book. (See the link below to learn more about the book.)

Need graphics for your website, advertising, Quote Art or book cover? Go to our sponsor, the great Kit Foster of KitFosterDesign.com.

This is Episode #62. Episode #63 of the All That Chazz podcast appears in the new year. Thanks for listening, for your donations and for your kind emails. Especially, thanks for buying my books! Merry Christmas and see you in January, 2013! Happy New Year!

The Death by Ewok Edition

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Get a free ebook to help you publish and persevere: Write Your Book: Aspire to Inspire. It’s free to download from Amazon from Tuesday to Saturday! See all the book links at AllThatChazz.com.

On the podcast: Brian MacKenzie of unicycleglidecam.com. A former combat diver, Brian patrols the streets on a unicycle in a Scouttrooper uniform. We also find out what an Arctic turnip is, and it’s awful. I found out unicycling is surprisingly cool. I also learned that when you have a helmet that obscures your face and someone takes your picture, you still smile for the camera. Fun chat.

Help a disabled hero, Trevor Greene, become bionic at http://bit.ly/UMHXeD.

Check out the Kit Foster’s portfolio at KitFosterDesign.com for Amazing book covers, Quote Art, web banners and more.

Thanks for listening!